Where I've been, where I'll go.

I am feeling quite inssufferable in my own skin today, it's about to be midnight, and I have work tomorrow.
So, since I didn't do almost anything at all today, I figured I'd try putting this unrest to use, or rather putting my energy to use so I could end this unrest, before I go to sleep.

I will talk a little about the feeling inert, about wanting to do more, and what I've been doing, a little bit.

So, here we are once again.
I think it's easy for me, or anyone else for that matter, to do absolutely nothing and let time pass us by.
I have been trying to do better, a little bit, at what? I'm not exactly sure, but let's call it 'at being human' if we want to be dramatic, or 'at being interesting for myself' if we're being a little more realistic.
By that I mean that I've tried doing new things, here and there, over the past few months. This website being one of those things.
Of course, it is not always easy, especially on days where I'm just fucking tired after work ends and I have to take a 2 hour nap to recover my energy before I even start doing any of the things I actually wanted to do with my day. Sigh. But we all have those days.

Please do not mistake me, although I am somewhat using this as a way to vent my frustrations right now, I don't intent to make it a overtly negative post.

Anyway so, what's been on my mind a bit during the last few days. I kinda want to be a more interesting person.
For myself, I mean. I want to feel happier with who I am, sure, but also with what I do.
Like, I took a moment to look around and describe within my own head the people that I often see on the internet. And one of the things about it was noticing the pattern of "oh, that's the guy that does X", "that's the person that made Y", "that girl maintains Z project".
In other words, most people 'have a thing', you know what I mean? But I don't.
I feel like for a long while I'm just been getting by, day by day, which is sometimes totally fine as well. God knows we need our dumb little things for comfort after a bad week of work. But I would like to do something.
I do not mean anything like a capitalist desire to be always using my time to create and produce for something to be consumed, I don't mean anything with monetary return, I do not mean any sense of peer pressure or comparing myself to others and feeling that I am somehow lacking, nor do I mean that I want to be known for something.
What I do mean is that I wish to put my energy into some activity that I would feel would grow me as a person, that would serve as an outlet for the experiences I've accumulated, that would serve as a proxy connection between me and the world. Something that I would feel proud of myself for the simple fact of having done it, even if it was something completely useless. Do you know what I mean?

That said, I have some trouble with things like that. I am awfully good at feeling suddenly motivated and inspired to do something, awfully good at feeling a spark within me and feeling the resolve to create something, learn something, and immediatelly delve right into it, only to drop it one week later.
It has happened many times, it's nothing new, but it's one of the things that consistently leave me in the same situation as before, without really having moved in any direction, at least not in any meaningful way.
It is kinda complicated to deal with that, honestly. The list of times this happened would be too long for me to recall.

All the above has brought the mood down a bit, so let's try focusing on some of the positives of late.
My sleep has improved a little bit, compared to earlier this year. I've been avoiding energy drinks too late into the night, replacing it with water, and I've been trying to more consistently go to bed at 4 AM, or 5 AM if I'm being honest with myself.
I've also started reading a bit too. Dorley, specifically. If you know, you know. I've been reading about one chapter every day, at night to help wind down and (a little hopefully) serve as food for thought too.
Oh and also, I have joined a Game Jam! Althought I'm not exactly sure if I will actually submit a game or not. It serves as some motivation for me to work on something.
It's the Toxic Yuri Jam(visual novels), which you should absolutely go check out right now.
A small scenario came to me in my mind, and I felt very euphoric about it and wanted to do something with that idea, but the struggle that I'm having with that is that it isn't an actual plot, and I have no actual plot. The vision in my mind was a simple scene, that while awesome, wouldn't net more than 5 minutes of reading.
I opened up notepad and started to write whatever came to mind, but the things my heart wanted to talk about were absolutely not related to that scenario at all, and while I was able to write a bit, it's mostly dialogue and stuff that doesn't serve as a plot, an overarching story, or a spine for the game. So it's kinda hard to figure out what to do with that and how to transform that into an actual game, that starts somewhere and ends somewhere else.
Not sure yet what I'll do about that, I keep telling myself to do it anyway because it doesn't have to be for the Jam itself, so long as it serves as inspiration to create and put something out there. I guess we'll see.

So that's that. What else?
I think I want to work on my blog a little more, to have like, a different section for blog posts.
Something like having these regular posts that I do, and another section with small posts about a series of topics, like games I recommend, for example!
Maybe that's something I will get around to making next week or so.
For now, as always, I'm not sure how to end this post, so I'll wish you a happy week, and wish you good vibes in working on your own personal projects!